Looking By Not Looking - Jessica Sideways.com

SAMARA, RUSSIA - Cold, desolate, kind of like the person I married by the same name. (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)

I remember being told by so many people in my pre-Samara days that I needed to not look in order to?find the person I?m meant to? be?with. I think that, while that doesn?t make much sense, there is a sense of truth to it. The way I was looking for a date ? I was looking for a long-term relationship, commitment, true love and perfect happiness. In short, I was destined?for failure because the kind of people that?I would have wanted to date (you know, people with lives outside the relationship and hobbies) were turned?off by my eagerness. I think life served me a good plate of commupance when Samara walked into my life.

However, I would like to start dating once again. No, I am not talking about within the next few weeks or months but I feel that I need to first get myself into a good position?so that I am date-ready. Generally, this means being employed (I am, at this moment, a full-time student and unemployed), being HWP and most importantly, having a freaking life that I can continue to enjoy outside of a relationship.

I think I can start on that third one. I am looking to join the Quidditch?League here in Denver, I am planning on thinking of a couple of interesting hobbies I can partake in and I am joining the O.T.O. in a couple of months. Point is, I need to improve myself to be the kind of person other people would want to date. And I think that is the kind of advice I would give to others in my particular situation.

Let?s be clear here, I was raised in Texas and I guess I am a little old-fashioned to enjoy a world of fly-by-night relationships (I never have enjoyed such a thing anyway). I know that this kind of runs in the face with the libertine culture of Thelema but the fact of the matter is that I do not feel comfortable with sleeping around. But then again, do what thou wilt shalt be the whole of the Law, and it is Love is the Law, Love under Will (emphasis mine).

Samara and I after our divorce hearing (Photo credit: Jessica E Sideways)

My best friend?s boyfriend, Caesar, tells my friend that he does not ever want to get married again because he?s been married (he?s divorced now). But I think that being divorced does not alienate everyone from the idea of marriage. I think, for those who are attracted to the idea of relationships with a chosen and preferred, and with love under will, that divorce can make someone wise up and see that maybe they did something wrong. I know I did when I married Samara. I thought that getting married would solve my issues with loneliness and boy was I wrong!

When I graduate, I will be looking, but only when I figure out how to not let my desire for a relationship and to find my chosen and preferred control my life. Plus, she will probably wind up being a Thelemite so I figure that I should stick around in the O.T.O. and maybe travel to events like NOTOCON, which is coming up next year. Ideally, I would like to find the perfect lady for my life but I know that I should make myself the kind of person she would like to date before going out there and making a bad impression.?^_^

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